“You can’t spell congestion without E-B.”
Joe started it. “I have no idea how East Brunswick is even a decent town anymore,” he typed in all caps lock energy, even though he didn’t use caps. “40 minutes to get out of East Brunswick today! Let’s build 100 more complexes so we can’t even move in town. Great idea everybody.” He then added the cherry on top: “Not worth it and the taxes we pay for a damn monorail.”
A monorail?
“Joe,” someone replied, “there is no monorail.”
“That’s what they want you to think,” said Steve, who once saw “The Simpsons” episode about North Haverbrook and has never emotionally recovered. Dan chimed in: “Mono… d’oh!” For some reason, this was the most unified the thread got.
🚦 THE TRAFFIC ORDEAL: A COMMUTER’S GREATEST BATTLE
“This morning was brutal,” said Steve, a man who refers to himself as an All-Star Contributor because Facebook told him so.
“Was this 18 or Ryders?” asked Jessica, who was on vacation but clearly suffering from commuter FOMO. “Just trying to plan my pain for tomorrow.”
Andrew, who had apparently achieved Facebook’s mythical Rising Contributor badge of wisdom, responded like a jaded war general. “It’s ongoing. Learn the backroads is all I can say.”
Liz, stunned by the chaos, offered, “And to think the population is only 50k.”
Sean replied, “50k that live here, 100k that travel through.”
You’d think East Brunswick was the Holland Tunnel at this point.
🏘️ THE SOLUTION? MORE APARTMENTS. OBVIOUSLY.
“Let’s add 400 more apartments,” said no one seriously, but somehow… it’s happening.
“I heard there’s going to be an IMAX and an ice skating rink,” Andrew whispered like he was sharing state secrets.
“I think you mean a bus station,” Marion clarified, emerging from the shadows with detailed knowledge of every development plan from 1974 to today. “Also, the bus station got canceled. People work from home now, Andrew.”
“Still,” said Andrew, “EB is a busy, crowded hub of suburbia at its finest. If you want quiet, move to Monroe.”
“Monroe ISN’T quiet anymore,” someone screamed into a void.
🛑 THE POLITICS: BLAME THE MAYOR, OR DON’T
Carolyn had had it. “I went to see the mayor. He said he can’t do anything about anything.”
“Change can’t to won’t,” muttered Lee like he was auditioning for a political thriller.
“Actually,” said Jeannine, “municipal taxes have stayed stable. It’s the school taxes that have gone up.”
Karen, holding a scroll of tax facts and receipts, stepped in. “That’s because the town stopped sharing garbage services with the school district. Now the school pays for garbage. That’s why your garbage is making your school taxes go up.”
“I… didn’t know that,” Cathy whispered.
“Exactly,” said Karen. “Because they don’t want you to know.”
Suddenly the thread turned into a low-budget spy thriller.
🚨 THE BACKROADS UNDERGROUND
Paul, who lives by the high school, dropped a shortcut like it was a golden ticket. “Take Hart’s Lane to Sullivan, slight right onto Gage, then Manor, then Naricon, then poof — Turnpike.”
People gasped. Some bookmarked it. Others whispered, “Is this man a wizard?”
🦫 THE DEAD BEAVER INCIDENT
Just when things couldn’t get weirder, Kenny mourned a fallen hero. “Never seen a beaver in Jersey. Saw a big dead one on Hart’s Lane.”
Gilbert offered a heartfelt response: “Take care of them beavers, Ken.”
That was it. No context. No explanation. Just vibes.
🚦 THE FINAL WORD
“You think traffic is bad now?” asked Andrew again for the 19th time. “Wait till the attractions come.”
Jimmy added solemnly, “The real traffic is coming when Chick-fil-A opens.”
Minho begged the Mayor to listen. “Could you please hear our voice?”
And Marion, in her infinite East Brunswick wisdom, pleaded, “Try not to place blame. Be proactive. Figure out shortcuts. If you get somewhere early, read. Or play solitaire.”
Yes, Marion. Let us all play solitaire… on the shoulder of Route 18… in honor of the beaver we lost.
Eyes on EB will continue to monitor this suburban saga.
But in the meantime, don’t block the intersection. And definitely don’t believe in the monorail.
