East Brunswick’s Dilemma: What to Do with All This Free Time?
For the first time in what seems like years, East Brunswick residents are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to handle the upcoming election. You see, none of the candidates are affiliated with QAnon, Sons of Liberty, or arguing how many booster shots one should get. This is a major problem. What are we supposed to do now?
Gone are the days when we could argue over whether or not a candidate thinks you should wear a mask in the car while driving alone or if the gyms should be closed while the liquor stores stay open.
A Lack of Extremes on Both Sides: The Ultimate Crisis
Democrats and Republicans alike are feeling the pinch. On the left, no one is proposing social distancing circles at playgrounds. On the right, there’s not a single candidate pushing to turn the East Brunswick library into a gun range or suggesting that masks should be burned in a town-wide bonfire. What gives?
Lori explains, “Luckily for me, with mainstream “normal” BOE candidates this year I don’t have to be at the eye of any local storms….unless I bump into the local Middle East, peace-keeping cardiologist mayoral candidate. Then all bets are off.”
“It’s a problem,” says in-house civic center correspondent Neal S. “Without the extreme rhetoric from either side, people don’t know how to process what a normal election looks like. Some are even reporting that they have time to go to the gym or spend evenings with their families.”
East Brunswick: What Do We Do Now?
Local Facebook groups, once hotbeds of politically charged arguments, are now eerily quiet. “I used to check the forums just to see who was fighting about which candidate’s insane views,” says longtime troll Rob W. “But now? Nothing. It’s like watching paint dry.”
Others, like Janet, are coping in their own way. “I’ve started paying attention to my kids and making sure they do their homework and stuff.”
Enter the Mean Girl Group: Digging for Dirt
In the absence of outrageous candidates, some residents have taken matters into their own hands. Rumors are swirling about a secret organization known as the Mean Girl Group. With nothing better to do, they’ve dedicated themselves to sifting through every candidate’s Facebook posts dating back to 2008, hoping to uncover any slip-ups or scandalous opinions.
These digital detectives reportedly spend hours combing through forgotten photo albums and outdated status updates. “We have to know who they voted for in the past,” said an anonymous member of the group. “But this is all we got!”
The New Crisis: Too Much Free Time
One thing is for sure: with the absence of wild candidates and dramatic stances, East Brunswickers now have too much free time on their hands. So, what will they do with it?
Only time will tell, but for now, residents are encouraged to check out the local parks, pick up a new hobby, or even try talking to their neighbors—just as long as those neighbors aren’t wearing masks in their cars.
