It’s a magical idea, really, one that could only be conjured up by the same group of residents who, while spilling their morning coffee or late-night ice cream all over themselves, truly believe that their Facebook rants will somehow stop a developer from doing what developers do best: develop.
The Rise of the Anti-Progress Progressives
It’s a strange phenomenon, but one that’s uniquely East Brunswick. A certain group of self-proclaimed progressives has recently discovered that they don’t like progress. No, they’re quite content with the idea of progress—as long as it remains a theoretical concept or something that happens in someone else’s town.
“Look, I’m all for having a Whole Foods and a Michelin-star restaurant on every corner,” says local resident, Karen Complains-a-Lot. “But the moment I see a construction truck or hear the sound of a jackhammer, that’s where I draw the line. Why can’t they just, I don’t know, teleport these things in? It’s 2024, for crying out loud!”
It’s a sentiment echoed by many in the community. They envision a utopia where quaint little cafes and chic boutiques line the streets—streets that were magically expanded without ever inconveniencing a single car or pedestrian.
The Art of Wanting Everything Without Changing Anything
The irony of the situation isn’t lost on those who actually pay attention to what’s being said. On one hand, these residents yearn for the type of urban amenities that typically come with growth and development. On the other hand, they seem to believe that the laws of physics (and economics) will bend to their will.
“Wouldn’t it be great if we had more upscale dining options?” asks Bob N. Porter, a local who’s known for his heated rants against any new construction. “But do we really need to build anything new to get them? I mean, can’t we just convert an old Toys R US or something? The charm is in the history, not in these soulless new buildings!”
What’s Really on the Minds of East Brunswick Residents
To further illustrate this bizarre stance, we reached out to several residents for their thoughts:
“If they build one more shopping center, I swear I’m moving to a place that respects the sanctity of open, undeveloped land—like Manhattan,” says Bobby Suburbanite, clearly unaware of how cities actually work.
“Look, I’m a progressive,” insists Local Virtue-Signal Enthusiast, Pat On-The-Back. “But progress shouldn’t mean change. We should be able to have everything we want without anything ever being different. It’s about principles!”
East Brunswick: Where Progress is a Dream, But Change is a Nightmare
And so, East Brunswick remains a town torn between wanting to be the next great dining and shopping destination and refusing to allow the kind of development that would actually make that happen. As long as the local Facebook groups are active, the paradox will live on—where progress is always wanted, but never welcome.
In conclusion, the next time you hear someone lamenting the lack of “nice places” in town, just remind them that in East Brunswick, wanting something better is only okay as long as it doesn’t require any actual improvement. Because nothing says progress like standing perfectly still.
