In yet another twist in the saga of East Brunswick’s most overzealous administrator, Fast Bernie (formerly known as Bergmeister Bernie), the town has been flooded with secondhand Keurig coffee machines up for sale. While there’s no official proof connecting Bernie to this caffeine conundrum, the timing sure seems fishy.
Coffee Makers Galore: Coincidence or Conspiracy?
Over the past week, residents of East Brunswick have noticed an unusual spike in online listings for “gently used” Keurig coffee makers. Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist, even the local PTA swap groups are overflowing with these machines. The sudden availability has many asking the question: Could Fast Bernie be involved?
“All of a sudden, there are more Keurigs for sale than houses in this market,” said Jane Doe, a local teacher who has definitely never lost a breakroom microwave to Bernie’s appliance purge. “It’s like Fast Bernie is running a black market operation out of the school district’s storage closet.”
The Mysterious Disappearance of Keurigs
As readers may recall, Fast Bernie made headlines earlier this summer when he launched his campaign to rid the schools of “illegal” coffee makers. Under his strict budget-and-supply regime, many breakroom appliances vanished without a trace—microwaves, fridges, and yes, Keurigs. Teachers were left sipping their morning brew from district-approved single-serve machines, and some of the PTA-gifted coffee makers mysteriously vanished.
Now, these very same Keurigs seem to be reappearing, conveniently listed for sale across East Brunswick. “It’s just a little too convenient,” said one anonymous source. “You don’t need a PhD in conspiracy theories to see what’s going on here.”
Fast Bernie: Coffee Kingpin?
While there’s no hard evidence linking Fast Bernie to the surge in Keurig sales, rumors are swirling that he may be capitalizing on the coffee maker crisis he created. Some have even speculated that Bernie has set up an underground network for flipping confiscated Keurigs to unsuspecting buyers.
One source, who requested anonymity, hinted, “It’s like something out of a mob movie. One day, your Keurig disappears from the teacher’s lounge, and the next day it’s listed for $25 on Facebook Marketplace. Sure, no one can prove Bernie’s behind it… but it’s just too perfect.”
Fast Bernie Responds (Sort Of)
When reached for comment, Fast Bernie remained cryptic. “I’m simply ensuring that all district appliances meet safety standards,” he said in a statement that could have easily been written by a robot. “As for what happens to those coffee makers after they’re removed, that’s beyond my jurisdiction.”
Translation? Plausible deniability.
The Truth Is Out There… Somewhere
Though no one has caught Fast Bernie red-handed, it’s hard to shake the feeling that something’s brewing in East Brunswick—besides just coffee. Whether Bernie is truly behind the mysterious Keurig black market remains a mystery, but one thing is for sure: the town’s caffeine supply has never been more suspicious.
In the meantime, if you’re in the market for a slightly used Keurig, you might just want to double-check who the seller is. You never know—it could be Fast Bernie’s side hustle.
Stay caffeinated, East Brunswick. And stay vigilant.
