In a bold and unprecedented move, Rob W, East Brunswick’s most beloved content creator and man of mysterious allure, has officially declared that he will not be accepting any new friends for the remainder of 2024—and quite possibly for all of 2025. The reason? Objectivity. That’s right, folks, Rob W has decided that staying emotionally distant from the masses is the key to surviving in a world where people only want to get close to their enemies. He’s keeping his friend count below five (since 1986, thank you very much), and no one is going to change his mind.
“I Have Trust Issues, But That’s a Superpower”
“Look, it’s not that I don’t want friends,” Rob W explained in an exclusive interview. “It’s just that I’ve had trust issues since childhood, and over the years, I’ve realized that what I thought was a fault is actually my superpower.” Rob W credits his ability to spot potential betrayal from a mile away to an incident in kindergarten where someone stole his PBJ Sandwhich and tried to pass it off as their own. “That betrayal taught me everything I needed to know about humanity.”
Since then, Rob W has kept his inner circle tight—painstakingly tight. “Five friends, that’s it. That’s the magic number,” he said, gazing out over the horizon like a man who’s seen too much. “I’ve watched as people in East Brunswick try to weasel their way into my life, but I’m not falling for it. Not again.”
Too Busy for Your Friendship Applications
If you think you’re going to convince Rob W otherwise, think again. Not only does he have trust issues, but he’s also just too busy. Between managing content across multiple media platforms and producing world-class satire, Rob W simply doesn’t have the time to accept more friends.
“I’m flattered by the attention,” he said while reviewing his latest video footage. “But seriously, I’m creating content in more mediums than most people can count. I’m talking videos, blogs, podcasts, you name it. You think I have time for brunch?”
It’s not that he doesn’t love the residents of East Brunswick—he does, deeply, in his own emotionally detached way. “They’re all terrible people, but I still love them,” Rob W admitted. “But I’m also aware that no one really wants to be my friend. They just want to stay close because I am so wonderful.”
Quotes That Say It All
The response to Rob W’s friend freeze has been immediate, and, as expected, dramatic. Some residents, however, are unfazed.
“I tried to friend Rob W on Facebook last year, and he left me on read,” said local resident Karen. “Honestly, I respect the move. It’s what I would’ve done.”
Longtime East Brunswick conspiracy theorist, Rich “The Watchman” Erik, had a different take. “This is all part of his plan to keep people at arm’s length so he can control us from behind the scenes. I’ve been warning people about Rob W for years.”
Rob W, ever the objective observer, finds these reactions amusing but not surprising. “Of course they think I’m up to something,” he said, shrugging. “That’s what makes this town great. No one trusts anyone, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Closing Thoughts: An Enemy of Your Enemy Is Still Rob W
At the end of the day, Rob W’s decision to shut down his friendship pipeline is just another step in his ongoing quest for ultimate objectivity. “I can’t be compromised,” he said, wrapping up our interview. “Everyone here wants to get close to their enemies, not because they love them, but because they want to be there when they mess up. And frankly, that’s exhausting.”
So if you were hoping to slide into Rob W’s inner circle in 2024, you might want to rethink that plan. And if you were waiting for him to stumble, well… good luck. You’ll be waiting a while.
