By Eyes on EB Staff
Once upon a time, in a land where budget cuts are just misunderstandings and transparency is an ancient relic, the East Brunswick Board of Education embarked on an exciting new mission: revolutionizing how our children learn to read! And by “revolutionize,” we mean completely ignoring the science of reading and embracing a philosophy that basically amounts to educated guessing.
The Great Guessing Game: A Balanced Literacy Masterpiece
Under the inspired leadership of the Board of Education, East Brunswick has fully embraced the “balanced literacy” approach—better known in educational circles as “Just Wing It”. Spearheaded by the renowned Lucy Calkins (who, much like our BOE Leadership, has recently been shown the door by reality), this method is based on the highly sophisticated theory that children don’t need phonics or decoding skills. Instead, they can simply look at the pictures, take a wild guess, and hope for the best.
Why bog students down with the tedious task of sounding out words when they could just… feel the word? Context clues! Whole language immersion! Maybe even some divine intervention! It’s like reading tarot cards but for kindergarteners.
Board-Approved Strategies for Literacy Success:
- The “Three-Cueing System” – When a child encounters an unfamiliar word, they can simply:
- Look at the picture. (If there is one.)
- Make a wild guess. (As long as it’s close.)
- Shrug and move on. (Because comprehension is overrated.)
- “Silent Struggling” – Teachers are encouraged to watch in admiration as students try to decipher sentences without phonics instruction. The eventual breakdown into frustrated tears? A natural part of the learning process!
- “Parent-Teacher Conference Deflection” – If a concerned parent asks why their child thinks ‘elephant’ is spelled “XQRZ,” simply respond with, “We focus on the joy of reading, not rigid rules.”
Who Needs Phonics When You Have Vibes?
Of course, the entire educational world has known for years that phonics-based instruction is the scientifically backed, research-supported method for literacy success. But why listen to pesky experts when you can throw millions of dollars at an outdated, ineffective curriculum instead?
Lucy Calkins’ “Units of Study” program has been a fan favorite in East Brunswick for years. Sure, New York City dumped it. And sure, literacy rates have plummeted wherever it’s been implemented. And yes, even Teachers College finally distanced itself from it. But does that mean we should abandon it?
Absolutely not! Here in East Brunswick, we double down! We do not follow trends; we cling to failures with the grip of a toddler holding onto their last chicken nugget.
A Special Shout-Out to the Board of Education
A big round of applause to our BOE leadership for their unwavering dedication to academic mediocrity. They could have acknowledged the research, transitioned to an evidence-based phonics curriculum, and put students on the path to authentic literacy. Instead, they ignored the warning signs and entertained us all with this grand educational experiment.
And let’s not forget the administrators who valiantly defend this approach. “We don’t want to stifle creativity!” they declare as another batch of middle schoolers struggles to spell “cat.”
Moving Forward: The Future of EB Literacy
With so many success stories (like second-graders who can confidently guess what a sentence might say), one can only wonder what innovative strategies the Board will roll out next. Perhaps a “math guessing game”? Or “history without dates”? The possibilities are endless!
Until then, we salute our fearless leaders. May the guessing games continue!
