Let’s be honest—if our little local blog gets you all worked up, you might have bigger issues than the latest East Brunswick drama. After all, enjoying a good read requires an appreciation for wit, timing, and a little bit of passion—three things that, let’s face it, also apply to other important areas of life.
The Science of Terrible Lovers (According to Absolutely No Science)
Let’s break it down. People who enjoy Eyes on EB tend to have a sense of humor, an appetite for the truth, and an appreciation for a well-placed jab. These are the same people who know how to keep things exciting, read the room, and execute a flawless finish. Meanwhile, those who loathe this blog? Well…
- No rhythm – If you don’t get the timing of satire, you probably don’t get the timing of… well, you know.
- Lack of endurance – You can’t even make it through a single post without throwing a tantrum? That says a lot.
- No sense of adventure – If a little local gossip offends you, chances are you’re sticking to the most boring routine imaginable.
Exhibit A: The Offended Comment Section Warriors
Take, for example, the fine citizens of East Brunswick who leave furious comments under every post:
“This blog is ridiculous! The admin should be ashamed!”
Translation: “I have never once prioritized anyone else’s enjoyment in my life.”
Or the classic:
“You’re spreading misinformation!”
Ah, yes. The same person who tells their partner, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey,” every single time.
Low Sex Drive? The Eyes on EB Haters’ Curse
It’s no surprise that those who despise Eyes on EB often seem to lack energy—not just for lively discussion, but for anything remotely exciting. Studies (conducted by absolutely no one) suggest that those who get irrationally upset over a local satire blog also experience an alarming lack of enthusiasm in other areas. Maybe it’s the chronic bitterness, maybe it’s the refusal to embrace fun, or maybe it’s just karma. Either way, if your reaction to a blog post is immediate rage instead of a chuckle, chances are your passion levels are running dangerously low.
Exhibit B: The Lurkers Who Pretend They Don’t Read It
Then, there are those who claim they “never read this garbage,” yet somehow know everything posted. Just like the people who pretend they don’t care about performance but are miraculously single.
Rob W. Weighs In
When asked about this undeniable correlation, Rob W. had this to say:
“I’m not saying it’s a fact, but I’ve yet to meet a single person who hates this blog and isn’t a dead fish in the sheets. Coincidence? I think not.”
He followed up with:
“They say laughter is an aphrodisiac, but I guess some people prefer to live a life of misery and missionary.”
Conclusion: It’s Time to Self-Reflect
So, if Eyes on EB riles you up, it might be time to ask yourself some tough questions. Maybe, just maybe, the real problem isn’t this blog—maybe the real problem is… you.
