Stefanelli Unleashed: Insurance Claims and Insane Claims
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ — It appears the long arm of justice (or at least someone typing in all caps from their phone at 2am) has reached into the township and gripped Eyes on EB in its sausage-fingered grasp. That’s right, folks. Eyes on EB is officially… under investigation. Not by the FBI, CIA, or even the local HOA, but by the USVAG — which, near as we can tell, is a one-man Facebook militia led by Cesare Stefanelli, a man who claims he was the first to ever televise town meetings and also, apparently, the first to mix ChatGPT sentence structures with MySpace rants.
“We are documenting the posts you took down as proof you lack credibility,” said Stefanelli, while failing to correctly list his own organization’s phone number three times in a row.
Who Is Cesare Stefanelli?
A bold insurance broker. A self-proclaimed media watchdog. A one-time cable TV producer. A man who once had dinner with a lawyer, a doctor, and a fax machine and now identifies as a “diverse family.” Stefanelli claims his group, USVAG (which we assume stands for U Seriously Very Angry Group), is “non-partisan” — the same way your uncle at Thanksgiving is “not yelling, just passionate.”
Cesare’s logic is dizzying. He believes Eyes on EB is a threat to democracy because we… asked a question? Made a joke? Spelled “fugazi” the way it’s pronounced in the Sopranos? We’re still unclear. But thankfully, he is here to monitor the situation via quote-padded statements and blurry screenshots of his 1994 IRS forms.
“This is me and still going strong in NJ and FL,” he wrote, next to a grainy photo that may or may not have been printed on a Triscuit.
Eyes on EB: A Threat to the Republic?
According to Stefanelli’s multi-scroll manifesto, Eyes on EB is now being watched by not just his Facebook group but also Channel 12 News — yes, the station famous for stories like “Raccoon Climbs Utility Pole” and “Middletown Man Eats Record Number of Pierogies.” Cesare ominously warns that our “behavior reflects our values,” which is weirdly philosophical for a guy who thinks leaving off hyphens is a criminal offense.
Meanwhile, Jeff W., the calm voice of reason behind Eyes on EB, remains unbothered.
“We spelled ‘fugazi’ wrong on purpose,” said Jeff, “We like to give them something to feel smarter than us about. They need the win.”
In Conclusion: Please Stop
Stefanelli has vowed to keep watching, documenting, and possibly cranking out more IRS documents until Eyes on EB is brought to justice — or until his group realizes that spelling “YOURVOTE” without spacing doesn’t actually unlock democracy.
To Mr. Stefanelli: we wish you well on your journey. May your passwords be memorable and your fax machine forever jammed. And please, for the love of God, learn your own phone number.
Disclaimer: Eyes on EB is not responsible for any mental gymnastics induced by Stefanelli InsuranceBrokerage or its affiliated sandwich board philosophies. We are not under real investigation, but we are under attack by someone who treats punctuation like a conspiracy theory.
