In a move that has left staff members scratching their heads and clutching their Keurigs, Bergmeister Bernie, the overzealous Budget and Supply Czar of East Brunswick Public Schools, has embarked on a summer crusade to purge the district of what he deems “illegal coffee makers.” This controversial new policy has teachers brewing rebellion, one K-cup at a time.
Bernie’s Bold Vision: “One Microwave, One Fridge, One Keurig”
Armed with nothing more than a wheeled cart and an ironclad determination, Bergmeister Bernie spent his summer strolling through the schools, removing what he referred to as “unauthorized appliances.” The mission? Restore order to the break rooms by limiting them to the bare essentials: one fridge, one microwave, and, for those lucky enough, a single district-issued Keurig machine.
An anonymous tip from a brave staff member at CJHS, who we’ll call Jane Doe, revealed the extent of Bernie’s appliance eradication. “Burgermeister Bernie came in like he was liberating the school from an oppressive regime of coffee pots and toasters,” Jane reported. “We lost a fridge, a microwave, and our beloved toaster. It’s like he’s turning our break room into a Soviet-era canteen.”
North vs. South: The Appliance Divide
According to reports, the North Building took a particularly hard hit, with faculty forced to share two fridges and one microwave—an arrangement that would make the Stone Age look like an era of luxury. Meanwhile, the South Building suffered a similar fate, losing its cherished microwave. Teachers are now forced to queue for a single machine, with some reportedly rationing their food to avoid prolonged lunchroom battles.
“It’s like Hunger Games out there,” Jane continued. “Except instead of tributes fighting for survival, it’s teachers fighting for the microwave. And with a 26-minute lunch period, if you’re not first in line, your Lean Cuisine isn’t going to make it.”
A Nation in Keurig Chaos
As the news of Bernie’s coffee maker crackdown spread, panic ensued. Teachers clutched their travel mugs in fear, wondering if their beloved PTA-provided coffee makers would survive the purge. “At least the basic Keurig models the district handed out are deemed safe enough for our schools,” Jane added with a shrug. “But it’s a slippery slope. What if they start taking our coffee pods next?”
One teacher, who requested anonymity (but definitely isn’t Jane Doe), expressed disbelief over the policy’s priorities. “You know, it’s funny. They’re cutting programs left and right, but apparently, too many microwaves in the breakroom? That’s the real crisis.”
Bernie’s Official Stance: “Streamlined Efficiency”
When reached for comment, Bergmeister Bernie stood by his decision, citing concerns over safety and, of course, efficiency. “We need to streamline operations,” Bernie said in a memo that no one asked for. “Our schools cannot afford the rampant chaos of multiple microwaves and rogue coffee makers. The future of education depends on order—one fridge, one microwave, and one Keurig per breakroom. Anything else is anarchy.”
He went on to insist that the removal of extra appliances would “build character” among the staff, helping them learn to adapt in times of adversity. “Much like the students, our teachers must learn to overcome hardship,” Bernie wrote. “And if that hardship comes in the form of waiting five extra minutes for your Lean Cuisine to heat up, then so be it.”
The Fallout: Jane Doe’s Final Words
Jane Doe, on behalf of the downtrodden teachers of East Brunswick, left us with a parting thought. “We don’t ask for much,” she said, wiping away a tear. “Just a working microwave and a place to store our yogurt. But in Bergmeister Bernie’s world, that’s apparently too much to ask. First, they came for the microwaves, and I said nothing… but now? Now, we rise.”
It remains to be seen whether Bernie’s reign of kitchen terror will extend into the fall semester, but one thing is clear: East Brunswick is in the midst of a full-blown appliance rebellion, and the staff is ready to fight back—one K-cup at a time.
