If Rob W. Was Mayor: Blue Ribbon Believers Would Be Deported to Spotswood

East Brunswick has many problems, but one of the most egregious offenses plaguing our town is the continued and delusional belief that we are a “Blue Ribbon School District.” That’s right, folks—if I, Rob W., were mayor, any person who utters this outdated, borderline fraudulent claim will be immediately deported to Spotswood and Milltown would pay for it. And no, you will not get a ride. You will walk.

The Blue Ribbon Lie: A History Lesson for the Delusional

Let’s take a moment to examine the actual last time any East Brunswick school received a Blue Ribbon:

• Irwin School – 1989–90
• Lawrence Brook School – 1991–92
• Churchill Junior High School – 1994–95
• Hammarskjold Middle School – 1994–95
• Bowne-Munro School – 1996–97
• Central School – Received “Blue Ribbon Lighthouse” status in 2011, which is like getting a participation trophy at this point.
• Chittick – So long ago, it’s basically folklore.

This means the last time East Brunswick had anything resembling a Blue Ribbon status, people were watching “Friends” in real-time, Bill Clinton was playing the saxophone on late-night TV, and dial-up internet was cutting-edge technology.

And yet, elected officials, candidates, and realtors alike continue to say it with a straight face, as if we’re still basking in 1996 glory. As the great Jeff W. once said, calling East Brunswick a “Blue Ribbon School District” is like saying the New York Jets are Super Bowl champions. It was true at one point. That point was before most of today’s students were even born.

If You Say It, You’re Walking to Spotswood

Under my administration, there will be consequences for this nonsense. If you:

• Are a politician running for office and claim East Brunswick is still a Blue Ribbon School District, you will be escorted to Ryders Lane and sent on foot to Spotswood.
• Are a realtor who throws “Blue Ribbon Schools” in your listing description, pack your bags. Spotswood awaits.
• Are a local Facebook warrior trying to gaslight the town into believing our schools still hold that prestige, hope you enjoy the scenic route through Helmetta.

We Need New Achievements, Not 30-Year-Old Ribbons

It’s time to retire the “Blue Ribbon” shtick and find something new to be proud of. Maybe we can be a “Middle-of-the-Road Yet Resilient School District” or “The Best School System That’s Been Gutted by Budget Cuts.”

One thing is certain: if you can’t admit the Blue Ribbon days are over, then you better have comfortable shoes.