Water Wars and Window Woes

When summer starts early and parenting ends abruptly…

It was a sunny Tuesday in East Brunswick, but for V.D., it felt more like the opening scene of a low-budget disaster movie — one where the enemy forces are teenage boys with ski masks, water guns, and absolutely zero chill.

“Whoever can claim these little aholes as their own, please do better!”
– V.D., 8 months pregnant and officially done with everyone’s nonsense

According to multiple eyewitnesses (and about 94 Facebook comments), the youth of EB decided to bring their chaotic brand of fun to local businesses — armed with pool noodles, balloons, and what one commenter called “faces of evil and backpacks of doom.”

M.W., who clearly misses the EB of yesteryear, solemnly declared:

“Never thought East Brunswick would come to this.”

And just like that, nostalgia was weaponized.

Meanwhile, P.A. added a prophetic twist:

“Just wait till the rest of the apartments are finished.”

C.S. (rising contributor and rising sarcasm expert) shot back:

“These guys are working on a security deposit then 😁”

Somewhere between the puddles and profanity, C.F. decided EB was on its way to becoming New Brunswick’s little cousin — minus the college degrees and with twice the entitlement.

Oh, and let’s not forget the concerned citizens with the subtle commentary:

“They look sketchy. One has a mask.”
– B.H., now a licensed sketch detector

“Definitely planning a smash and grab.”
– M.W., still coping

“Call the police!”
– Literally everyone, except maybe S.C.W., who saw joy in the chaos

S.C.W. bravely stepped in with a lighter take:

“I see kids out of school with their backpacks having some fun. Everyone lighten up.”

Cue T.S.B., who wasn’t having it:

“I guess you missed the part about slamming the door on a pregnant woman and calling her the N-word.”

Yeah… that escalated faster than a water balloon to the face.

Some residents tried to make sense of it all, suggesting it was part of the annual “Senior Assassin” game. But then came the corrections:

“That ended weeks ago.”
“It’s not even water guns — EB uses balloons.”
“I have a senior, and they’re too busy studying for finals (and scrolling TikTok).”

Eventually, V.D. returned to clear the air:

“They were running in and out of businesses throwing napkins all over the lot, screaming disgusting words, disrespecting people, and being completely obnoxious with no regard for anyone but themselves.”

So no, Karen, this wasn’t just innocent “teen fun.” This was a one-star Yelp experience with a side of racial slurs and property damage.

Is it just the kids? Or is it the construction? Or is it all downhill after Five Below?

As one commenter put it:

“East Brunswick was such a beautiful town when we moved here 54 years ago.”

It sure was, C.S.B. And now… it’s a $3,000-a-month apartment complex with front-row views of Aqua Anarchy and Parking Lot Mayhem.

🔍 The real question: Will anything change?
Or will the next wave of mask-wearing teens come equipped with Super Soakers, Bluetooth speakers, and emotional detachment?

Only time — and maybe some good old-fashioned parenting — will tell.