🚗 Eyes on EB Exclusive

If you’re not following East Brunswick community drama online, what are you doing with your life? Forget reality TV — ShopRite Lot: The Reckoning is the hottest series of the summer.

This week’s episode started with a simple photo. A car. A line. A minor infraction — or so we thought. But oh no, friends, that faded white stripe was a spark. And that spark? It set the entire Facebook group on fire like a Dodge Caravan left idling with the AC on full blast.

Parking 101: A Lost Art?

Kristin Rose opened the show with the confident flair of a woman who’s seen one too many crooked park jobs and finally snapped. Kaitlyn Harley joined in with the comedic timing of a seasoned roast master. “Not the first or the last to park like this,” she laughed, before dropping the mic with, “more like a refresher in driving all together.”

And thus, the war of wit and wisdom began.

The Comment Section Tribunal

Raj Esh came in shook, typing a dramatic “Wow!! Terrible” like he just discovered someone used a knife to eat a banana. Karen declared “no excuse,” which, in East Brunswick, is basically the equivalent of a public flogging.

Then came the philosophers:
Christian, our local Zen master, asked, “How does this affect your day though?” Which was sweet, but unfortunately the wrong crowd — this crowd runs on adrenaline and minor grievances.

Paul chimed in with the classic “It’s not THAT bad,” followed by Joyce dropping the existential truth bomb: “Some people just don’t care.” Let that one sink in.

Enter the Philosopher-King of the Curb Cut: Harry S.

Just when the dust was settling, Harry S. arrived with a dissertation longer than most grad school theses.

Harry brought up disability, injustice, personal anecdotes, and a side of guilt sauce. Ann Marie M., MVP of the thread, wasn’t having it. “This is just rude — no one parks like this unless they’re an inconsiderate di@k.” Instant classic. Pulitzer-worthy, honestly.

Harry: “Experience is our teacher!”
Ann Marie: “Then why are you failing the class?”

License Plate Gate

Meanwhile, on the B-plot, Svetlana and Kimberley were debating whether or not to reveal the license plate of the offending car. Kristin decided against it, citing “too many sensitive people” — which is East Brunswick code for “someone will call the mayor, the FBI, and possibly their Aunt Linda.”

Kimberley: “I would’ve posted it to publicly shame them.”
Svetlana: “Agreed 💯”
East Brunswick: Petty. And proud.

Final Thoughts

Some say it was just a poorly parked car. Others say it was a symbol. A metaphor for society’s slow decline. A visual representation of the space we no longer leave for one another — literally and metaphorically.

But to us here at Eyes on EB?

It was a masterpiece.

So here’s our closing statement: If you can’t park between two lines, please don’t come to EB with that chaos. We’re full.

Unless, of course, you are the chaos. In which case — welcome home.

Stay tuned for next week’s Facebook Fight Night, where someone will post about their neighbor’s trash can being 3 inches on their property line. We. Can’t. Wait.