Six Months of Truth in a Lifetime of Solitude

Why My Lack of Local Friends Makes Me the Most Honest Journalist in Town

Greetings, beloved readers! As the fresh-faced Lead Contributor to “Eyes On EB,” I’ve been your most reliable source of community news for the past six months. But here’s the kicker: I’ve been a resident since 1986 and haven’t made a single friend in town. Is it my abrasive personality? My overpowering love for privacy? Who knows! I know that this delightful isolation has made me the epitome of blogging integrity.

Unencumbered by pesky local friendships, I approach community blogging with a perspective as clear as my social calendar. Unlike reporters who must navigate the awkward waters of reporting on their friends’ questionable decisions, my articles are free from the murky bias of personal relationships. Consequently, the locals sometimes throw a bit of a tantrum because they can’t worm their way into my favor. You’ll often hear them dramatically proclaim, “He’s lost his marbles!” as if my sanity decided to take a leisurely stroll out of town just because I won’t cozy up to them.

The Friendly Blogger’s Quandary: When BBQs Bias the News

Let’s conjure an image of your average, well-connected blogger. This person is knee-deep in neighborhood potlucks, attends every block party, and is the first to know when Mrs. Johnson’s cat goes missing again. Now, when it comes time to expose the shady dealings at the local town forums—of which they undoubtedly show their faces—can we trust their fiery exposé not to be a mere puff of smoke? Their judgment is as clouded as a foggy EB morning.

The Lonesome Reporter’s Advantage: Clear Skies, Clearer Reporting

In contrast, my dear readers, consider my blessed position. When I report on the contentious city council elections or the controversial new doughnut shop blocking the historical mural, there’s no personal relationship to sway my pen. My loyalty lies not with friends (for I have none), but with the truth and the good citizens of EB who deserve nothing less.

The benefits of such friendless blogging are manifold. No one expects you to contribute to their fundraising campaigns or attend their tedious Tupperware parties. More importantly, you’re never in danger of becoming the story because no one knows who you are at those events you inevitably cover from the shadows of public anonymity.

So here I stand, readers—your invisible, invincible scribe. As I continue my noble quest devoid of social distractions, rest assured that my reports will remain as unblemished as my social slate. And to those in EB who might consider extending the hand of friendship, know that while I appreciate the gesture, I must decline for blogging integrity.

The Solitary Scribe’s Social Policy: Coffee, Yes; Friends, No

While my dedication to a friend-free existence underpins my commitment to blogging integrity, I am not entirely averse to human interaction—especially if it involves coffee. Let’s be clear: sharing a cup of Java is merely a transactional exchange to fuel my relentless reporting engine, not an invitation to friendship. So, yes, I will join you for a coffee, as long as we keep the conversation to weather patterns and the latest town gossip (strictly for reporting purposes). Just don’t expect any emotional bonding or, heaven forbid, a hug. This way, I maintain my role as EB’s impartial observer, constantly vigilant and never involved. If you’ll excuse me, I must return to my thrilling evening of solo scrolling the local forums and unbiased news writing.