The Mystery of the Morning Marauder
Debra from Summerhill Road section had a rough start to her day, waking up to find that someone had liberated a package from her doorstep before the clock struck 7 AM. She took to NextDoor, pleading with the thief, who’s undoubtedly a dedicated reader of neighborhood forums, to kindly return her stolen goods. “I would appreciate if you returned it,” she wrote, proving that sometimes, hope really does spring eternal.
It didn’t take long for a chorus of supportive voices to join in, each bringing their own brand of wisdom to the situation. Maureen from Hazlet was quick to express her condolences: “Nothing is safe. Sorry this happened to you.” Words that, while not exactly comforting, are certainly accurate.
The Skeptics Speak
But then came Ondina from South River, who took a more skeptical approach. “What makes you think that person is in here?” A fair question, indeed, considering the number of package thieves who make it a point to join neighborhood social media groups just to bask in the glory of their own misdeeds.
Not to be deterred, Debra responded with the kind of conviction that only a NextDoor user can muster: “They are somewhere?” The vagueness of the statement struck fear into the hearts of porch pirates everywhere—or would have, if they were actually following the thread.
Clara chimed in with some solid intel from the O Section of Strathmore: “Yes, they are, but they are not using ND so they are not seeing your post.” It seems we’ve finally found East Brunswick’s own Sherlock Holmes. James, however, wasn’t convinced, challenging Clara with a bold, “How do you know that they are not using ND?” And just like that, a philosophical debate on the online habits of package thieves was born.
The Solution Shopkeepers
Steve from South River decided to turn the conversation towards consumer advice. “Good luck with that. Do Walmart online pickup. It’s free and they bring it out to the car for you.” A revolutionary suggestion that could change the lives of millions, except for the minor detail that Debra ordered from Amazon.
Steve returned, unfazed by the lack of relevance to the discussion: “East Brunswick is loaded with package thieves. Last December, EBPD arrested a pair with over 200 packages in the van.” One wonders if they were also active on NextDoor, bragging about their haul under pseudonyms like “BoxBandit123” and “PorchPiratePete.”
The Armchair Detectives
John from Rossmoor then came in with his magnifying glass, casting doubt on whether the package ever arrived at Debra’s door in the first place. “Did the delivery driver include a photo of it in front of your door?” To which Debra, ever the vigilant homeowner, replied, “Yes, he did.” John then conceded defeat, offering a half-hearted, “Sorry that happened to you.”
Steven from Spotswood, however, wasn’t ready to let go of his conspiracy theory just yet. “The driver, after taking a photo of the package at your door, simply takes the package back with him (steals it himself).” Who knew that Amazon delivery drivers moonlighted as villains from a poorly written crime drama?
The Creative Solutions
Amidst all this chaos, Hugo from South River had a more creative solution. “Leave another one out there with dog poop.” A suggestion that, while satisfying in theory, might just lead to an even angrier post from Debra titled “Who stole my decoy dog poop package?”
Debra admitted, “I was considering doing something like that.” So now, the world waits with bated breath to see if East Brunswick’s first booby-trapped package sting operation will come to fruition. If only the package thieves were following the thread, they’d know to watch out for suspiciously heavy parcels.
The Moral of the Story
In the end, the thread served as a poignant reminder of a universal truth: When life gives you package thieves, the best course of action is to vent on NextDoor and hope for the best. Perhaps the real package was the friendships they made along the way—or the Amazon replacements, whichever comes first.
