Caught on Camera at 7-Eleven, Probably Buying Gatorade with Your Credit Card

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🚨 East Brunswick’s Finest Criminal Minds:

Help Us Help the EBPD Help Themselves

Folks, brace yourselves. The East Brunswick Police Department has unleashed a high-level manhunt for what can only be described as the Wet Bandits if they were raised entirely on Monster energy drinks and zero consequences.

On the night of June 16 into June 17, these masterminds decided to test the limits of their criminal genius by breaking into cars on Ayers Court and Lake Avenue. Their big haul? Credit cards. And because every good caper needs a dumb sequel, they took those stolen cards and marched right into a local store — where, SHOCKER, there are cameras. Plural.

Behold, the suspects in all their low-resolution glory:

Let’s break it down.

  • On the left, we have Hoodie McFive-Finger Discount holding a 6-pack of energy drinks like it’s a trophy. If only he moved this fast filling out job applications.

  • In the center, we get a good look at “I Swear I’m Not Guilty” in their vintage I Listen to Metal But Cry Easily t-shirt, looking shocked — possibly because the self-checkout didn’t accept stolen credit cards on the first try.

  • And on the right, we see the team’s financial mastermind holding what appears to be… Funyuns? Because nothing says “master criminal” like a gas station snack run with stolen plastic.

We’d say they’re trying to go incognito, but based on the security footage, these two have the stealth skills of a brass band at midnight. Honestly, they look like they were late to a failed SoundCloud rap video shoot.

The EBPD would like your help identifying these bright lights of the community. If you recognize these faces (or that signature criminal-chic slouch), do society a favor and reach out. Email Detective Cris Farrace at cfarrace@ebpd.net or call 732-390-6990. Or, if you’re feeling dramatic and anonymous, use 732-4EBTIPS or tips@ebpd.net.

Remember, folks — lock your car doors, hide your wallets, and maybe… invest in better lighting for your driveway. Meanwhile, we’ll be over here waiting for these guys to accidentally tag themselves on TikTok.