Unraveling EB's Tales With a Twist

Eyes on EB: From Playful Satire to Serious Insights into East Brunswick's Local Life

Our content artfully blends satire with sincerity. While we revel in the sharp wit and humor of satire, revealing truths often hidden in plain sight, we also dedicate a serious section to delve deeply into pressing issues. Our guiding principle? ‘Taking only serious topics seriously.

The Eyes On EB Blog

Where witty satires and serious insights blend seamlessly. Enlighten, entertain, and inspire with every post!

Satirical Blog PostsTaking only serious topics seriously.

Important and Informative Discussions When it's time to get serious, we do.

Why Rob W is Not Accepting Any More Friends for the Rest of 2024 (and Probably 2025)

In a bold and unprecedented move, Rob W, East Brunswick’s most beloved content creator and man of mysterious allure, has officially declared that he will not be accepting any new friends for the remainder of...

Oct

The Virtue of Silence – Our Take On The Recent BOE Meeting

A Lesson in School Board Transparency Wash and Repeat: The Board’s Favorite Dance Move So, once again, folks, we find ourselves being told by the powers that be: “Show up and speak your mind!”—only to...

Oct

Township Shaken by Halloween Decorations: Krystal’s House Brings East Brunswick to Its Knees

In what is being described as the most terrifying event of the season, Krystal P. has managed to rattle the entire township of East Brunswick with nothing more than a few skeletons, a plastic pumpkin,...

Oct

The Great Hardenburg and Fresh Ponds Road Traffic Light Debacle: Day 1

It was supposed to be the savior of Hardenburg and Fresh Ponds Road, the shining beacon of traffic regulation to finally bring order to this dangerous intersection. Instead, the first day of the new traffic...

Oct

Attention All Candidates: The IRS Is Watching Your Every Move!

Attention, candidates! Thinking about promoting yourself at religious facilities or other nonprofit events? Well, hold your campaign signs for just a second. The IRS has some rules you’ll want to know before you go glad-handing...

Oct

The Board President’s Latest Trick: Is VV Holding the Strings?

What’s Really Going On Behind the Curtain? Well folks, just when we thought the show was over, the Board President steps back into the spotlight, determined to pull one last trick out of her hat....

Oct

Rob W’s Revelation: Why Run for Anything When It’s Easier to Complain?

In a groundbreaking revelation that has left the residents of East Brunswick both amused and confused, local curmudgeon and professional critic Rob W has finally realized what we’ve all been too afraid to admit: why...

Oct

Is This Intersection a Joke? Absolutely Not

The Perilous Crossroads: A Serious Concern In East Brunswick, a particular intersection has been stirring up more than just traffic. The community has voiced concerns so fervent and frequent that it’s clear this isn’t something...

Sep

The Great East Brunswick Nail Salon Exodus: Sue’s Disappearance Sparks Community Frenzy

If there’s one thing the residents of East Brunswick can rally behind, it’s the pursuit of a perfect manicure. But recently, the local nail scene has been rocked to its very core by the shocking...

Sep

Ban Books Week Sparks a Lively Debate

Banned Books, Boring Threads, and Bewildered Comments More proof that you don’t need to participate in every thread, especially if you don’t know the facts. Ah, Banned Books Week—the time of year when libraries nationwide...

Sep

Who Needs Informed Voters Anyway?

Who’s Really to Blame for Unheard Candidates? In the lively political landscape of East Brunswick, it’s election season again, and the community is abuzz. This time, the controversy isn’t about the EB BOE candidates themselves,...

Sep

The Great East Brunswick Package Heist

The Mystery of the Morning Marauder Debra from Summerhill Road section had a rough start to her day, waking up to find that someone had liberated a package from her doorstep before the clock struck...

Sep

Is Melissa Our Only Sane Hope on Route 18?

East Brunswick—You know, it’s not every day you find a local hero, but sometimes, amidst the chaos of screeching tires, pop-up drag races, and emoji-filled social media threads, one brave soul stands out. Enter Melissa...

Sep

Nextdoor: Where Facebook’s Flunkies Gather – Red Lobster Update!

If you’ve ever wondered where people who find Facebook too complicated go to air their grievances and share their hopes and dreams, welcome to Nextdoor. It’s the digital equivalent of yelling out your window, but...

Sep

Don’t Share Top Secrets If Rob W. Can’t Share Them Himself

A Plea For Help It’s time for a serious public service announcement, folks. There’s a man out there suffering silently, and his name is Rob W. For years, he’s been the go-to guy for all...

Sep

East Brunswick’s Pungent Puzzle: A Nose for News

Few incidents will smell as infamous as the Great Stench Mystery of Cranbury Road in the annals of East Brunswick lore. As residents clamored to solve this olfactory offense, social media became the battleground for...

Sep

The Great Cranbury Road Incident: A Tale of Cement, Cops, and Utterly Mundane Mysteries

The Day Nothing Happened and Everyone Talked About It It was just another day on Cranbury Road—sun shining, birds chirping, and a cement truck quietly pouring its heart out alongside a stoic cop car guarding...

Sep

The Great Gary’s Guide to Gourmet Savings

A Helpful Post on Helping Each Other! In the bustling world of East Brunswick, where the quest for a good deal is almost as fervent as the quest for a good burger, there emerges a...

Sep

East Brunswick’s Unscripted Airshow and the Ensuing Facebook Frenzy

Jets Over EB! When the skies over East Brunswick buzzed with the roar of fighter jets, the local Facebook community took off on a commentary flight that was part spectacle, part mystery theater. Here’s how...

Sep

East Brunswick Schools: The Blue Ribbon Daycare?

A New “Daycare” Approach? East Brunswick schools are innovating again—or so they say. With teacher absenteeism on the rise, the district has introduced a QR code system to guide students to their temporary classrooms, turning...

Sep

Attention East Brunswick Residents: We Have Haters!

It’s official, folks! Word from multiple sources has confirmed the unthinkable: we’ve got some haters. Yes, the very same East Brunswick residents who secretly scroll through our blog with the brightness turned down on their...

Sep

East Brunswick’s Nocturnal Grand Prix: The Not-So-Silent Nightly Ritual

Residents Plead for Silence as Local Cars Apparently Audition for ‘Fast and Furious: Suburban Drift’ In the quaint town of East Brunswick, a nocturnal symphony has unfolded, where the streets have become an unwilling racetrack...

Sep

East Brunswick Residents Baffled by Normalcy in Upcoming Election

East Brunswick’s Dilemma: What to Do with All This Free Time? For the first time in what seems like years, East Brunswick residents are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to handle the...

Sep

Fiona Roberts in the Heat of Passion: A Satirical Misadventure in East Brunswick

The Curious Case of Fiona Roberts In the charming borough of East Brunswick, where satire often blends seamlessly with the morning coffee, a peculiar uproar shook the digital walls of our beloved community forum last...

Sep

Outsider VV’s Awkward Attempt at Becoming an Insider

It was a scene straight out of a sitcom, but unfortunately for Outsider VV, it wasn’t scripted. The Board of Education, likely fed up with VV’s absence from anything remotely connected to school spirit, dragged...

Sep

Fast Bernie and the Great Keurig Coffee Maker Sale of East Brunswick

In yet another twist in the saga of East Brunswick’s most overzealous administrator, Fast Bernie (formerly known as Bergmeister Bernie), the town has been flooded with secondhand Keurig coffee machines up for sale. While there’s...

Sep

Bergmeister Bernie Declares War on Coffee Makers and Microwaves

In a move that has left staff members scratching their heads and clutching their Keurigs, Bergmeister Bernie, the overzealous Budget and Supply Czar of East Brunswick Public Schools, has embarked on a summer crusade to...

Sep

Relax, It’s Just Satire, Folks!

In today’s world of constant outrage, it seems we’ve all forgotten one simple fact: satire is meant to be funny! Here at Eyes on EB, we are committed to bringing you the finest in sarcasm,...

Sep

Popeyes Wings: The Bone of Contention in East Brunswick Debate

A Deep Dive into the Serious World of Fast Food Critiques East Brunswick is buzzing with what might be the most pressing issue to hit our town since the great parking debate of ’97: the...

Sep

EB Politicians Rediscover the Oldest Trick in the Book: Door-Knocking

In a bold throwback to traditional politics, East Brunswick candidates are once again hitting the pavement, taking a page from the ancient Jehovah’s Witnesses playbook with a return to door-knocking. This not-so-novel strategy has residents...

Sep

We Want Nicer Stores, Just Don’t Build Them: The Great East Brunswick Paradox

In the quaint and paradoxical land of East Brunswick, a new trend is sweeping through the community forums and coffee shops: the desire for world-class dining and shopping experiences—but only if they miraculously appear without...

Sep

How Rob W. Became the Gossip Guru of East Brunswick: The EB Whisperer

The Invisible Observer in Political Gossip In the digital battlegrounds of East Brunswick, Rob W., the head blogger of Eyes on EB, has become a pivotal figure by mastering the art of silent observation in...

Aug

How Outsider VV Tried to Pull a $400k Rabbit Out of a Hat—and Failed

The Misadventures of Outsider VV: The Great Raise Robbery That Wasn’t Last night’s East Brunswick Board of Education meeting revealed a plot twist worthy of a prime-time drama. While the district grappled with layoffs and...

Aug

A Deep Dive into the East Brunswick’s Bicycle Registration Code

The Utter Absurdity of Bureaucracy When Bicycles Become Bureaucratic Nightmares Ah, East Brunswick, where the simple act of riding a bicycle is transformed into a bureaucratic odyssey of epic proportions. Forget the days when hopping...

Aug

How One Local Politician Turned Funerals into Campaign Stops

Wake-Watching Here at Eyes On EB, we take our commitment to neutrality seriously, especially regarding elections. That’s why we’re keeping mum on the name of the local elected official who’s taken a novel approach to...

Aug

When Aspiring Mayors Realize They Can’t Negotiate Ceasefires

When Local Governance Meets Global Aspirations In the quaint, bustling township of East Brunswick, a new contender has emerged in the mayoral race, armed not with the usual promises of pothole repairs and park improvements,...

Aug

The Eternal Paving of Summerhill Road

Complete for the Fifth Time in Seven Years Finally Smooth Sailing… Until Next Year? Residents of East Brunswick, rejoice! a The long-anticipated (and much-delayed) completion of a Summerhill Road’s paving project has finally arrived—for the...

Aug

The East Brunswick Bladder Bomber

The Unstoppable Canine Conundrum Welcome, dear readers, to another thrilling episode of “As the Dog Pees,” where the residents of East Brunswick take to the internet to tackle the most pressing issue of our time:...

Aug

The Day the Music Died: East Brunswick’s Tragic Downfall After K-Mart’s Closure

In a twist of fate that could only be described as “The Day the Music Died,” East Brunswick’s decline can be traced back to one fateful event: the closing of K-Mart. On a chilly January...

Aug

The East Brunswick BOE Closed Session OPRA: A Masterpiece in Redaction

Act I: The Request At a recent BOE meeting, a town resident mentioned two dates in particular, and here at Eyes on EB, we were intrigued. Imagine this: you decide to get a little curious...

Jul

The Great East Brunswick Feta Cheese Debacle: A Tale of Civic Entitlement

In a world where grocery store checkout lines become the battlegrounds for social justice, and feta cheese serves as the frontline of entitlement wars, our town has reached new heights—or perhaps depths—of absurdity. When Cheese...

Jul

One Garbage Pickup at a Time

In the bustling metropolis of East Brunswick, where the population soars and the garbage piles higher, the community has found a unique way to bond over one of life’s less glamorous tasks: missed garbage pickups....

Jul

How East Brunswick’s Very Own Neal Shah Won Big

I’m In a nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat contest with the entire county on the edge of their seats, Neal Shah clinched the Republican County Committee seat in District 37 by an unprecedented 2-0 margin. Yes, you read...

Jun

Eyes on EB Reports and Supports Advocacy at Town Council Meeting for East Brunswick TNR & Rescue

At a recent town council meeting, Eyes on EB was present not only to report but also to support the crucial advocacy work of East Brunswick TNR & Rescue. This vital community organization, led by...

Jun

Take Back Our Schools” Shakes Up East Brunswick Board of Education Race

𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭: 𝐖𝐡𝐲 “𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥𝐬”? Eyes on EB, a vibrant collective of passionate bloggers, dives into the escalating tensions within the East Brunswick community as the local Facebook group “Take Back Our...

Jun

A Lesson in Patience and Responsibility

In the wake of the recent controversy surrounding the East Brunswick High School yearbook, our community finds itself grappling with a sensitive issue that demands careful consideration and empathy. The incident, where the Jewish Student...

Jun

Troubling Exclusion in East Brunswick Yearbook

By Adam Altman – Opinion The Unsettling Yearbook Omission With deep concern and disappointment, we address a troubling issue that has come to light at East Brunswick High School. The recent exclusion of the Jewish...

Jun

The Misunderstood Wanderer of Lawrence Brook

A Paw-sitively Confusing Morning This morning, residents of Lawrence Brook were treated to an unexpected visitor: a black bear, who we’ll call Barry. Barry, in his quest for a quiet stroll, seems to have sparked...

Jun

The Great Chicken Escape

The Mysterious Case of the Fugitive Fowl In a thrilling suburban saga that’s got everyone clucking, a chicken has daringly escaped into the urban wilds of East Brunswick, leading to a loud social media scramble....

Jun

East Brunswick’s Best-Kept Secret Unveiled!

Swingin’ in the Suburbs Breaking News: Local Lovebirds Are Flocking to Underground Swingers Club East Brunswick, a quiet suburban town known for its great schools and friendly community, has a hidden secret—an underground swingers club!...

May

The East Brunswick Saga of the Broken Water Heater

A Community in Crisis Welcome, dear readers of Eyes on EB, to another thrilling episode of “East Brunswick Drama Unplugged.” Today, inspired by an epic Facebook thread, we dive into the perilous world of plumbing and...

May

East Brunswick’s Never-ending Traffic Saga

Construction and Community Banter The Eternal Construction Chronicles East Brunswick seems to be on a perpetual quest to redefine the concept of “forever under construction.” Johanna articulates our collective despair: “The traffic in East Brunswick is so ridiculous...

May

Nextdoor Drama: The Great East Brunswick Cake Controversy

“You got a stale cake from Amici’s too? Maybe it’s your taste buds.” In a scandal that’s left East Brunswick residents reeling and rolling their eyes, Karen’s harrowing experience at a local bakery has set...

May

Anonymous Source Sheds Light on Budget Shortfall

Unveiling the Truth Behind East Brunswick’s Budget Discrepancies In a significant revelation, an anonymous source has provided information raising severe concerns about the transparency of the East Brunswick School District’s financial management. The recent $12...

May

Opinion Piece – A Call for Balanced Education in East Brunswick

In the face of a $12 million budget shortfall, East Brunswick schools have made the difficult decision to cut arts, orchestra, and language programs in some grades. These reductions have sparked concern within our community,...

May

The Great Blue Cheese Crisis of East Brunswick

A Town Teetering on the Edge In the culinary catacombs of East Brunswick’s bustling forums, a crisis has erupted with the urgency of a five-alarm fire. Barbara, a top contributor, sounded the alarm for a...

May

Opinion: The Importance of Prioritizing Competence Over Perceived Niceness in East Brunswick Elections

In East Brunswick’s political landscape, the allure and affability of candidates significantly shape voter preferences. However, while appealing, the allure of a warm smile and a firm handshake only sometimes equates to effective governance. As...

Opinion The Importance of Prioritizing Competence Over Niceness in East Brunswick Elections

May

East Brunswick Freecycle

A Community Gem Beyond Politics and Waste A Local Initiative for Sustainability East Brunswick Freecycle stands as a shining example of community spirit and environmental stewardship. This group consists of residents who have come together with a shared...

May

Is It Time for a Luxury Garbage Cleaning Service Upgrade?

East Brunswick vs. Woodbridge: The Garbage Wars Escalate It seems that while East Brunswick has been busy playing with new robotic arms to handle its trash, Woodbridge Township has taken garbage glamour to the next...

May

Unraveling the East Brunswick Chinese Food Debate

East Brunswick is divided, not by local politics BOE drama, but by something more deliciously contentious: the search for the best Chinese restaurant. What started as a simple inquiry by Melissa on a local social media...

May

A Community Reflects on a Late-Night Break-In

Voices from East Brunswick Last night’s unsettling event—a home invasion in East Brunswick—has spurred a wave of comments and concerns from residents, providing a broad spectrum of perspectives and recommendations on community safety. As we...

Apr

East Brunswick Gym Showdown

Where Fitness Meets Fun (and a Bit of Funkiness) Yours indeed, Robert Wilson; having braved the murky waters of East Brunswick’s gym scene with enthusiasm and exasperation, I’ve dipped my toes into most local fitness...

Apr

The Great Poolside Nest Debat

Never a Dull Moment in East Brunswick Even the most minor nature-related dilemma in East Brunswick can spark a spirited debate on local forums, highlighting the community’s passion for individual rights and wildlife preservation. The...

Apr

Upholding Dignity in Special Education

A Community Speaks Up The East Brunswick Board of Education meeting held on Thursday, April 26, was not just another gathering, but a moment of community solidarity. The packed meeting turned into a platform where...

Apr

Unraveling the Threads of Local Love Adventures

Welcome to your favorite satire corner, Eyes on EB, where we dissect East Brunswick’s social antics with the precision of a soap opera scriptwriter. Today’s scoop? The local Facebook group is not just for lost...

Apr

The Unbiased Observer With No Friends

Six Months of Truth in a Lifetime of Solitude Why My Lack of Local Friends Makes Me the Most Honest Journalist in Town Greetings, beloved readers! As the fresh-faced Lead Contributor to “Eyes On EB,”...

Apr

Lessons from East Brunswick’s Recent Drama

A Clash of Perspectives: Social Media, Community Groups, and Accountability Amid East Brunswick’s latest drama, one exchange stood out as a poignant reminder of the power of community engagement. As the Superintendent lamented the toxicity...

East Brunswick Progressive Parents and School Group

Apr

A Closer Look at Superintendent Valeski’s Past and Present

Shadows Over East Brunswick Last night, the East Brunswick Budget Forum, already a hotspot for heightened emotions and controversy, unfolded as many had anticipated. Though rumored and largely expected, the dismissal of Assistant Figueroa, widely respected across...

Apr

The Upcoming East Brunswick Budget Forum

Navigating Our Community’s Future Key Details About the Event The much-anticipated public budget forum has been rescheduled for this coming Wednesday at 7 PM. Recognizing the challenges of parenting, free childcare will be provided to...

Apr

Eyes on EB: Critical Decisions in the Superintendent’s Office Raise Concerns

Recent Decisions Reveal Disturbing Priorities An anonymous source within the district has shared alarming information that demands immediate public attention and scrutiny. According to the details provided, the Superintendent’s office, in collaboration with the business...

Apr

The Great Fox Debate of East Brunswick

The Perils of Urban Wildlife: Or Why My Yorkie Might Be a Fox-Hunting Prodigy Welcome to another thrilling episode of suburban wildlife misadventures, brought to you by the vigilant citizens of East Brunswick! In today’s issue,...

Apr

The Great Sauce Scandal of Brothers Pizza

The Unfolding of the Sauce Saga In an utterly pivotal turn of events in our humble community, Brothers Pizza, a stalwart of local cuisine and an unwitting protagonist in what will be known as the...

Apr

Unmasking Noel Smith

The Mysterious Critic of East Brunswick East Brunswick has its fair share of local characters, but none as enigmatic and contentious as the infamous “Noel Smith.” Recently, the buzz on group texts and the local...

Apr

The Great Red Lobster Debate—A Shell of Its Former Self?

The Bankruptcy Buzz: A Town’s Culinary Crisis It’s a crustacean conundrum! The East Brunswick Red Lobster, now more infamous for its spontaneous combustion than its seafood, might be floundering into bankruptcy. Early whispers around town...

Apr

Navigating an $8 Million Budget Shortfall and the Great Trash Can Orientation Crisis Amid a $195 Million Ballooned Budget

The Great Trash Can Orientation Crisis of East Brunswick and The Curious Case of Garbage Can Etiquette In the charming township of East Brunswick, an issue of monumental importance has arisen, overshadowing even the most...

Apr

Unraveling EB’s Tales With a Twist

Eyes on EB: From Playful Satire to Serious Insights into East Brunswick's Local Life

The Eyes On EB Blog