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Mayor Cohen’s Facebook Firestorm: Did He Go Too Far or Just Far Enough?

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Eyes On EB: A Tariff, a Tantrum, and a Trending Thread

Mayor Brad Cohen made waves this week—not for fixing potholes or announcing a new recycling initiative—but for wading knee-deep into the boiling national discourse on Trump’s new tariffs. If you haven’t been keeping up, the Mayor’s Facebook post sparked a virtual wildfire on the Mayor’s Page, with hundreds of comments, barbs, graphs, insults, and what can only be described as a performance piece between a few regulars whose fingers need a rest.

Let’s get to it.


Should the Mayor Have Gone There?

Yes… and maybe no.

On one hand, Brad Cohen’s a citizen, a voter, and a father. He’s allowed to have an opinion. And let’s be real: when someone with an MBA sees what they believe is economic sabotage playing out in real-time, staying silent might feel like complicity. Many appreciated his thoughtful take, and he did what most elected officials don’t—he engaged. Civilly. Repeatedly. While others were swinging personal insults like dodgeballs in middle school gym, Cohen held his ground without getting in the mud.

But then again, he’s the mayor. The mayor of East Brunswick, not the Federal Reserve Chair. And when the thread started spiraling into culture war territory—bathrooms, pronouns, children, and whether America is actually Brazil in disguise—it probably became clear this wasn’t a healthy civic dialogue. That’s where some argue he should have exited stage left, fast.

Still, I give him credit for staying in the arena while many others are busy anonymously trash-talking from the bleachers.


The Vibe in the Comments: A Country Divided, Even on Egg Prices

The conversation was… a mess. A democratic mess. Democracy at its best? Maybe. At its loudest? Definitely.

Some were clapping for Trump like he was headlining a Broadway revival of “Make America Great Again: The Musical.” Others were lobbing economic statistics, quoting Nobel Prize winners, or reminding the thread that yes, actually, empathy isn’t a radical leftist plot.

A recurring theme was fear—fear of decline, of change, of economic uncertainty, of bathrooms. It’s not just politics at play here, it’s identity, personal values, and in many cases, a deep exhaustion with being told what is or isn’t true. People don’t just disagree anymore; they don’t trust that the same set of facts even exists. And that’s the real story.


“Take Back Our Country” — A Phrase That Rings a Bell

This was the closing line in the mayor’s original post. It’s also the part that made my skin crawl a little—not because of who said it, but because of what it evokes.

“Take Back Our Country” has been used many times in American political rhetoric, especially when people feel like outsiders in their own homeland. Sometimes it’s empowering. But other times, it’s a dog whistle. Take it from 1960s segregationists to post-9/11 nationalists to Tea Party rallies to January 6, 2021. It’s a phrase that flirts with the edge of populism and exclusion, depending on who’s shouting it and what they mean by “our.”

If “take back” means restoring dignity, truth, and empathy to our democracy—great, sign me up. But if it means scapegoating the vulnerable or sowing division for power’s sake, then we’ve been here before. And history tells us it doesn’t end well.

 East Brunswick Township Copies Eyes on EB—But Let’s Be Honest, Nobody Can Do It Like Rob W

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 By Rob W, the Original & Still the Best

Folks, I don’t say this lightly. But we here at Eyes on EB are tremendously flattered—really, just honored—that the Township of East Brunswick, including our very own mayor, has taken it upon themselves to start copying the work we’ve been doing here for about a year. I’m talking podcast videos, content strategy, messaging—you name it. They’re watching, they’re learning, and they’re trying so hard to keep up.

And that’s okay. Because as they say, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” But let’s be clear: we’re not just flattered—we’re amused. There’s nothing like watching someone try to paint like Picasso with a coloring book and some broken crayons.

We’ve been dominating the content game, absolutely dominating, while they’re just now realizing that maybe—just maybe—talking directly to the people in an engaging, unscripted way actually matters. Who knew, right?

We’ve been setting the tone, crafting the message, giving the people real talk for the last year. And now, after all this time, the Township is finally catching on—like that one student in class who never studied but shows up to the final hoping to wing it.

Look, we’re not mad. We’re honored. We really are. It’s beautiful to see the Township finally admitting, without saying it out loud, that Rob W is the master of getting messages out. And let’s not sugarcoat it: we’ve got the numbers, we’ve got the engagement, we’ve got the voice. They’ve got… some microphones and a hope.

Do we think their podcast is cute? Sure. Like a kid in a talent show—you clap, but no one’s giving it a standing ovation. Their production is okay, but the substance? Not even close. No soul, no bite, no boldness. Just another box to check for the illusion of transparency.

Meanwhile, we’re over here stirring the pot, asking the hard questions, entertaining and informing—actually reaching people. We’re not just getting attention. We’re commanding it.

So yes, we see you. We hear you. And we’re so glad you’re finally catching on. But next time you’re setting up that camera and posting another episode no one watches—just remember who made it cool in the first place.

You’re welcome.

– Rob W (also known as The Blueprint)

Don’t They Understand We Already Paid for This?

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The Money Was There — They Just Mismanaged It

Let’s stop pretending this was inevitable.

The foreign language classes, the instrumental music, the co-teaching support — these programs already existed with the taxes we were paying. They weren’t bonuses. They weren’t optional. They were part of the foundation of a well-rounded education in East Brunswick.

So how did we get here?

You can blame the state if it makes you feel better. But at the end of the day, this is a local failure. There was money. There were choices. And those choices led us to a place where restoring basic programs now feels like a heroic act.

On March 19th, the community made it loud and clear that the proposed budget cuts were unacceptable. Parents, teachers, and students spoke up. And now, in response to that pressure, Superintendent Victor Valeski issued an update:

“I will recommend the complete restoration of the Hammarskjold Upper Elementary School (HUES) schedule, including no impacts for foreign languages at HUES. I will also recommend the restoration of the co-teaching instrumental music program at both HUES and Churchill Junior High School (CJHS).”

That’s a step in the right direction. But let’s be honest — it should’ve never come to this.

We are not asking for extras. We are asking for the continuation of what our community already funded. When programs are pulled without a clear explanation of where the money actually went, we have every right to demand transparency — not just gratitude for our “patience.”

There’s a special board meeting on April 8th. It’s informational only — no action will be taken. But make no mistake: this is not the time to go quiet.

We shouldn’t have to fight this hard just to keep what we already had.

So the question remains:

Where did the money go?

And until there’s a clear answer, we keep asking.

It’s Time to Retire the Blue Ribbon Narrative

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If you visit the East Brunswick Public Schools website, you’ll notice some recurring themes—most notably, repeated references to the district’s “11 National Blue Ribbon Schools” and a Redbook magazine article naming East Brunswick High School (EBHS) the best in New Jersey and one of the 51 best in the nation. The district proudly displays these accolades across multiple pages, including Our Schools, Staff and Community, Awards and Accomplishments 2021–2022, and Awards and Accomplishments 2022–2023.

But if you look closer—really look—you’ll see what’s not there: dates.

The Omission of Time Matters

It’s a deliberate choice not to include the years when these awards were granted. And when it comes to public trust and transparency, that matters.

The Redbook article? That was published in April 1996—28 years ago. The Blue Ribbon designations? The most recent was over a decade ago, and many date back to the early 1990s. Yet, on all three of these webpages, the district fails to provide that critical context. Instead, the accolades are presented in a way that suggests current relevance—painting a picture of a district at the peak of excellence today, rather than one coasting on achievements from a different generation of students, staff, and leadership.

Misleading by Omission

No one is disputing that the honors were real. EBHS was named one of the best in the nation—in 1996. Several schools were awarded Blue Ribbon status—in the 1990s and early 2000s. But to present these honors without the years is a subtle form of misrepresentation. It creates the illusion that the district is still being recognized at the national level, which is simply not the case.

In fact, since 2012–2013, East Brunswick has not received a new Blue Ribbon award. That’s more than a decade without the kind of recognition it continues to advertise as a defining trait.

Why This Matters Now

This matters because East Brunswick is facing very real challenges. Recent years have brought deep budget cuts, arts program reductions, staff attrition, and parental frustration over transparency and leadership. And yet, in the face of all this, the district clings to decades-old accolades as if they still hold the same weight.

It’s not just about outdated facts—it’s about accountability. It’s about whether families and taxpayers are being presented with an honest picture of the current state of the schools.

A Call for Transparency

We should take pride in our history—but not at the expense of truth. The continued omission of dates on the district’s Blue Ribbon and Redbook references is not just a formatting oversight. It’s an editorial choice. And it’s one that misleads the community.

If we want to move forward—if we truly care about rebuilding trust and restoring East Brunswick’s reputation—we must start by telling the whole story. That includes when these accolades were earned, and more importantly, what has happened since.

Sources:

https://www.ebnet.org/about-us/awards-and-accomplishments/awards-and-accomplishments-2022-2023-school-year

https://www.ebnet.org/about-us/awards-and-accomplishments/awards-and-accomplishments-2021-2022-school-year

https://www.ebnet.org/departments/human-resources/our-schools-staff-and-community

 

The Silencing of a Board Member in East Brunswick

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When Transparency Becomes Inconvenient

On February 26, 2025, East Brunswick Superintendent Dr. Victor Valeski sent a letter to the New Jersey Department of Education (NJDOE) Ethics Commission requesting an advisory opinion. The subject? Whether Board Member Dr. Lou Figueroa should be restricted from voting on certain “key issues.” Specifically, it appears that Dr. Valeski wants Dr. Lou removed from voting on his future contract.

But here’s what makes this troubling: Dr. Lou Figueroa was just elected by thousands of residents who expected him to represent their voice—especially on matters like administrative accountability, budget decisions, and yes, contract renewals.

Who Is Dr. Valeski Worried About?

It’s becoming clear that Dr. Valeski sees Dr. Lou as a threat—not to the district’s mission, but to his own position. Why else would he take preemptive steps to silence a board member before any vote has even taken place?

Dr. Lou made it clear during his campaign that he would ask hard questions and demand transparency. Many voters supported him precisely because they felt unheard for too long. If the intent behind the advisory opinion is to sideline Dr. Lou before critical decisions are made, it’s not just politics—it’s a betrayal of the public trust.

Democracy Doesn’t Work Like This

When an unelected administrator tries to block an elected official from doing their job, we’ve stepped out of the bounds of democracy.

Imagine voting for a new mayor because you didn’t like how the old one handled budgets, only to find out the town manager is trying to have the mayor’s vote disqualified on key issues. Would anyone consider that fair? Of course not. Yet that’s what’s playing out in East Brunswick.

This isn’t about one contract or one vote. It’s about whether the voices of thousands of residents can be dismissed by a single administrator wielding obscure legal tools.

The OPRA Response Says a Lot

After confirming the date of Dr. Valeski’s letter to the DOE, Jeff Winston submitted an Open Public Records Act (OPRA) request to obtain a copy. The district didn’t deny the letter’s existence—they simply refused to release it, citing the “deliberative process privilege.”

This means the public has no access to a letter that could directly impact whether their elected representative can vote. And yet the administration expects the community to trust that this is all being done in good faith.

A Pattern of Avoidance

This isn’t the first time legitimate questions have been shut down. When residents asked about the funding of the high school hockey team—largely funded by parents—the district claimed it was “too much work” to provide a breakdown. That request was also dismissed as “answered and closed.”

Why is there such a resistance to basic transparency? Why are questions met with legal barriers instead of answers?

A Dangerous Precedent

If Dr. Lou is blocked from voting on a matter as important as the superintendent’s contract—despite being duly elected by the people—what message does that send? It tells future candidates that standing up for the community could get them silenced. It tells residents that their vote only matters until it becomes inconvenient for those in power.

That’s not oversight. That’s control.

What Comes Next?

Some have suggested filing a similar OPRA request with the NJDOE directly. Others have brought up the “Doctrine of Necessity,” a legal principle that allows board members to vote even when a conflict is alleged, if their vote is necessary for a quorum. These are important avenues—but the larger issue remains:

Who decides who gets a voice in East Brunswick?

The November election is coming. Between now and then, residents should be watching, speaking, and demanding answers. Because if a superintendent can eliminate dissent by disqualifying opposition, East Brunswick has much bigger problems than just a budget shortfall.

BREAKING: The Seville Diner Is Definitely, Probably, Maybe Reopening. Again. Maybe.

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By Eyes on EB Investigative Dining Division – Forks Up, Eyebrows Raised

If you’ve driven past Route 18 lately, you may have noticed a peculiar phenomenon: lights flickering inside the Seville Diner. A few cars parked suspiciously straight, as if someone dared to parallel park without divine intervention. Could this mean what we think it means?

Are we finally getting our beloved Seville Diner back? Or is it just another cruel mirage, like affordable property taxes or parking at Costco?

A History Served with Extra Brown Gravy

Let’s rewind.

In the mid-2000s, the Seville Diner was a beacon of post-midnight nourishment. A stainless steel temple of tin, neon, and questionable booths, it was where mozzarella sticks met destiny. Whether you were stumbling in from Thursday nights at The South River Pub or crawling home from Jenkinson’s with sand still in your shoes and a poor life decision still on your lips, nothing hit harder than a grilled cheese, disco fries, and a side of brown gravy.

“I remember waking up the next day with melted American cheese on my shirt and zero regrets,” said local legend Rob W., who at the time was known as Rob W.

But Then, Tragedy and Confusion

Sadly, in 2007, one of Seville’s co-owners, Frank Lagano, was shot and killed in the diner’s parking lot, a case that remains unsolved. The diner tried to hang on, but it eventually filed for bankruptcy in 2021, adding another tragic layer to East Brunswick’s complex relationship with Route 18.

In 2023, NJ.com ran a hopeful headline:

N.J. diner where co-owner was killed in unsolved shooting to reopen after makeover

Unfortunately, it never did. Like your ex’s “I’ve changed” text, the promise just didn’t pan out.

The Facebook Comment Section Investigates

Now, the East Brunswick Facebook group detectives are back on the case. Again.

Top Contributor Jody posted:

“Any updates on the Seville Diner? Lights and a few cars there in the last few days.”

Cue the town’s commentariat:

Charlie: “Someone talked to a construction worker who said June. But like, which June? What year? June of what reality?”

Lori: “They said December 2022. Then they said June 2023. Now someone said June 2025. I say we just pick a June and start tailgating.”

Gregory: “The Colonial identifies as a diner. That’s rich. Back in my day, a diner was a diner and the jukebox played Sinatra, not Megan Thee Stallion.”

Pam: “Diner food is diner food. Don’t give me artisan kale risotto. I want my turkey club held together by toothpicks and prayers.”

Seth: “I heard they’re turning it into a combination burger joint, vape shop, and fried chicken place with a nail salon in the back.”
Kim: “What? No urgent care with drive-through banking??”
Anthony: “Only if they install a crypto ATM in the men’s room.”

Could This Be It?

So what’s the truth? Is Seville finally being resurrected by the owners of the Page Diner from Staten Island? Is it going to reopen clean, fresh, and with proper refill policies? Or is it just another fever dream fed by too many Taylor Ham egg and cheese sandwiches?

We reached out to the construction worker someone mentioned someone else talked to. He said, “I just came to fix the parking lot potholes. I don’t even live in Jersey.”

Final Thoughts

Whether or not the Seville Diner actually reopens, it will forever live in our greasy, gravy-laden memories. A relic of a time when diners were open 24/7, refills were unlimited, and the only thing scarier than the food poisoning risk was seeing your ex from high school sitting two booths away.

If it does reopen this June — of any year — we’ll be there. Same booth. Same order. Same gravy dreams.

Eyes On EB will keep watching.
(And yes, we’ll be asking for a second refill — come at us.)


Want to be featured in our next satirical blog? Drop a hot take about parking in East Brunswick or start a rumor about a new Trader Joe’s opening. Bonus points if you use the phrase “back in my day.”

Eyes on EB Under Investigation by the Stefanelli Secret Society of Sandwich-Sign Wavers

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Stefanelli Unleashed: Insurance Claims and Insane Claims

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ — It appears the long arm of justice (or at least someone typing in all caps from their phone at 2am) has reached into the township and gripped Eyes on EB in its sausage-fingered grasp. That’s right, folks. Eyes on EB is officially… under investigation. Not by the FBI, CIA, or even the local HOA, but by the USVAG — which, near as we can tell, is a one-man Facebook militia led by Cesare Stefanelli, a man who claims he was the first to ever televise town meetings and also, apparently, the first to mix ChatGPT sentence structures with MySpace rants.

“We are documenting the posts you took down as proof you lack credibility,” said Stefanelli, while failing to correctly list his own organization’s phone number three times in a row.

Who Is Cesare Stefanelli?

A bold insurance broker. A self-proclaimed media watchdog. A one-time cable TV producer. A man who once had dinner with a lawyer, a doctor, and a fax machine and now identifies as a “diverse family.” Stefanelli claims his group, USVAG (which we assume stands for U Seriously Very Angry Group), is “non-partisan” — the same way your uncle at Thanksgiving is “not yelling, just passionate.”

Cesare’s logic is dizzying. He believes Eyes on EB is a threat to democracy because we… asked a question? Made a joke? Spelled “fugazi” the way it’s pronounced in the Sopranos? We’re still unclear. But thankfully, he is here to monitor the situation via quote-padded statements and blurry screenshots of his 1994 IRS forms.

“This is me and still going strong in NJ and FL,” he wrote, next to a grainy photo that may or may not have been printed on a Triscuit.

Eyes on EB: A Threat to the Republic?

According to Stefanelli’s multi-scroll manifesto, Eyes on EB is now being watched by not just his Facebook group but also Channel 12 News — yes, the station famous for stories like “Raccoon Climbs Utility Pole” and “Middletown Man Eats Record Number of Pierogies.” Cesare ominously warns that our “behavior reflects our values,” which is weirdly philosophical for a guy who thinks leaving off hyphens is a criminal offense.

Meanwhile, Jeff W., the calm voice of reason behind Eyes on EB, remains unbothered.

“We spelled ‘fugazi’ wrong on purpose,” said Jeff, “We like to give them something to feel smarter than us about. They need the win.”

In Conclusion: Please Stop

Stefanelli has vowed to keep watching, documenting, and possibly cranking out more IRS documents until Eyes on EB is brought to justice — or until his group realizes that spelling “YOURVOTE” without spacing doesn’t actually unlock democracy.

To Mr. Stefanelli: we wish you well on your journey. May your passwords be memorable and your fax machine forever jammed. And please, for the love of God, learn your own phone number.


Disclaimer: Eyes on EB is not responsible for any mental gymnastics induced by Stefanelli InsuranceBrokerage or its affiliated sandwich board philosophies. We are not under real investigation, but we are under attack by someone who treats punctuation like a conspiracy theory.

The Garbage Truck That Blocked a Nation: One Man’s Driveway, One Town’s Divided Soul

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EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ — In a scandal rocking the quiet cul-de-sacs of suburbia, a garbage can was allegedly placed gasp directly in front of a driveway on Tuesday morning. The accused? One of East Brunswick’s mechanical-arm garbage trucks, code-named “Claw Daddy.”

The incident, captured in a now-viral video by local resident John, has sparked a Facebook firestorm and sent shockwaves through recycling bins across Middlesex County.

“The township selected these idiots and pay with our taxes,” said John, clearly unaware that the truck’s driver might be navigating low-hanging tree branches and loose airborne Cheese Doodles.

Eyewitnesses say the robotic arm gently placed John’s trash receptacle right in front of his van, blocking his exit like a caffeinated toddler with a grudge. But several experts in the field of Common Sense™ offered a different perspective.

“They did that because of the tree branches,” said Craig, rising contributor and rising defender of arbor-conscious sanitation tactics.

“What’s the problem?” asked Kelly. “The driver moved your van away from the trees so he could pick it up without hitting them.”

Kelly’s comment caused a ripple in the local algorithm matrix, shaking the very foundation of suburban outrage. But not everyone was ready to abandon their pitchfork emojis.

“Only problem I see is you don’t bag your trash and now it’s all over the street,” chimed in Scott, unofficial sheriff of the Bagged Garbage Task Force.

“Not mine… I bag it,” John clapped back. “Someone dumped something in there while walking by.” A likely story… or the beginning of a suburban whodunnit?

Meanwhile, Carrie Ann admitted she failed to tip off Rob Wilson to the drama.

“Rob trying to behave… one of the only pages I’m still permitted to be on ?” she confessed, suggesting that even East Brunswick’s finest can be found in Facebook jail from time to time.

Rob, who claims to be monitoring the situation, commented, “I’m on it, don’t worry,” and then continued to do absolutely nothing.

Theories abounded:

  • Tree Revenge: The garbage arm, sick of getting slapped by tree branches, has begun fighting back.

  • Driveway Dominance: A passive-aggressive turf war between man and machine.

  • The Yankee Emblem Conspiracy: “Yeah, the Yankee emblem on the truck!” declared Scott, though no one was really sure what that meant.

“I can’t believe I have to move my own garbage can,” lamented Lindsey, as society spiraled ever further from civilization.

“That’s not by accident,” added Bobby ominously, sparking rumors that the garbage man has a hit list based on local complaints and under-tipped Christmas cards.

In the end, one commenter may have said it best:

“If you can’t get out your car and move it, then take it to the dump your self and do a little work,” offered Von, triggering a dramatic clapback from Jenn Marie T, who clarified that she can get out of her car, she just doesn’t want to on Route 18 at rush hour. Fair.

Whether this is tree branch diplomacy gone awry or a can conspiracy fueled by Facebook’s darkest corners, one thing is clear: the garbage may be picked up weekly, but the drama is daily.

Stay tuned to Eyes on EB for continuing coverage of Cans, Claws, and Complaints: The War for the Driveway.

?️ The Tarantula Tenant: East Brunswick’s Latest Rental Scandal ?

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“All we asked for was proof of income, not a zoo permit.”

It started with a post. A simple, innocent question from Jordan:
“Hey everyone! My husband and I own a rental, and we just had an applicant with two tarantulas, two boa constrictors, two frogs, and two lizards. We’ve never seen this before. Just curious, is there a reason someone might have all these pets?”

The answers came in like a stampede of snakes slithering through a living room vent.

? The People Respond

“Because they like exotic animals,” said Craig, East Brunswick’s official ambassador of the obvious.

Nancy chimed in with a laugh: “My good friend has way more than that. They’re just into strange pets!”
(We’re not sure if Nancy’s friend is legally classified as a Bond villain or just a misunderstood reptile whisperer.)

Tacy dropped what might be the most telling truth of the thread:
“It’s easier than kids.”
That sentence hit different.

Carmine, philosopher of the digital realm, mused:
“Lonely?”
(A comment that deserves to be cross-stitched and hung above a lizard tank.)

Jeanne offered this reassuring take:
“Nothing to be concerned about — they are all great pets.”
Except, you know, the ones that eat mice whole and sometimes… vanish.

?️ Meet Sedona, the Red-Kneed Roommate

Then came Karen.

Karen, a woman of spidered conviction, presented her case like a courtroom drama:
“Let me introduce you to Sedona. She’s 11 years old, a Mexican Red Knee tarantula from Alabama. She flew FedEx to New Jersey. She’s more docile than your Aunt Carol and only eats Petsmart crickets.”

Sedona, if you’re reading this: you are the moment.

Karen continued, unbothered by the squeamish.
“We’ve had turtles, frogs, rats, a bird, a gecko, chinchillas, guinea pigs, & cats. But let me tell you: the tarantula is the least destructive one.”
Take that, Karen’s cat who peed on the baseboards.

? The Concerns

“Just make sure the snake tanks are secure,” said Marion, who apparently has a PhD in reptile risk management.

“I once lost a tarantula in my house for three days,” recalled Glen. “My mom didn’t sleep until we found it.”
Glen’s mom still flinches every time she sees a dust bunny.

Carolann shared:
“My stepson’s snake used to escape and wind up in the basement walls.”
Now that’s a sentence you don’t hear at the open house.

? The Landlord Clause of Doom

Alexa, a property manager, finally swooped in with the realest advice of all:
“Pet addendum. Pet fee. Insurance. And a clause that all tanks get removed before showings.”

Or as Lori put it, “I’ve seen it all in this town. As long as there’s no smell and everything’s contained, live and let boa.”

Welcome to East Brunswick: Where Time Stands Still and Traffic Doesn’t

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“You can’t spell congestion without E-B.”

Joe started it. “I have no idea how East Brunswick is even a decent town anymore,” he typed in all caps lock energy, even though he didn’t use caps. “40 minutes to get out of East Brunswick today! Let’s build 100 more complexes so we can’t even move in town. Great idea everybody.” He then added the cherry on top: “Not worth it and the taxes we pay for a damn monorail.”

A monorail?

“Joe,” someone replied, “there is no monorail.”

“That’s what they want you to think,” said Steve, who once saw “The Simpsons” episode about North Haverbrook and has never emotionally recovered. Dan chimed in: “Mono… d’oh!” For some reason, this was the most unified the thread got.

? THE TRAFFIC ORDEAL: A COMMUTER’S GREATEST BATTLE

“This morning was brutal,” said Steve, a man who refers to himself as an All-Star Contributor because Facebook told him so.

“Was this 18 or Ryders?” asked Jessica, who was on vacation but clearly suffering from commuter FOMO. “Just trying to plan my pain for tomorrow.”

Andrew, who had apparently achieved Facebook’s mythical Rising Contributor badge of wisdom, responded like a jaded war general. “It’s ongoing. Learn the backroads is all I can say.”

Liz, stunned by the chaos, offered, “And to think the population is only 50k.”

Sean replied, “50k that live here, 100k that travel through.”

You’d think East Brunswick was the Holland Tunnel at this point.

?️ THE SOLUTION? MORE APARTMENTS. OBVIOUSLY.

“Let’s add 400 more apartments,” said no one seriously, but somehow… it’s happening.

“I heard there’s going to be an IMAX and an ice skating rink,” Andrew whispered like he was sharing state secrets.

“I think you mean a bus station,” Marion clarified, emerging from the shadows with detailed knowledge of every development plan from 1974 to today. “Also, the bus station got canceled. People work from home now, Andrew.”

“Still,” said Andrew, “EB is a busy, crowded hub of suburbia at its finest. If you want quiet, move to Monroe.”

“Monroe ISN’T quiet anymore,” someone screamed into a void.

? THE POLITICS: BLAME THE MAYOR, OR DON’T

Carolyn had had it. “I went to see the mayor. He said he can’t do anything about anything.”

“Change can’t to won’t,” muttered Lee like he was auditioning for a political thriller.

“Actually,” said Jeannine, “municipal taxes have stayed stable. It’s the school taxes that have gone up.”

Karen, holding a scroll of tax facts and receipts, stepped in. “That’s because the town stopped sharing garbage services with the school district. Now the school pays for garbage. That’s why your garbage is making your school taxes go up.

“I… didn’t know that,” Cathy whispered.

“Exactly,” said Karen. “Because they don’t want you to know.”

Suddenly the thread turned into a low-budget spy thriller.

? THE BACKROADS UNDERGROUND

Paul, who lives by the high school, dropped a shortcut like it was a golden ticket. “Take Hart’s Lane to Sullivan, slight right onto Gage, then Manor, then Naricon, then poof — Turnpike.”

People gasped. Some bookmarked it. Others whispered, “Is this man a wizard?”

? THE DEAD BEAVER INCIDENT

Just when things couldn’t get weirder, Kenny mourned a fallen hero. “Never seen a beaver in Jersey. Saw a big dead one on Hart’s Lane.”

Gilbert offered a heartfelt response: “Take care of them beavers, Ken.”

That was it. No context. No explanation. Just vibes.

? THE FINAL WORD

“You think traffic is bad now?” asked Andrew again for the 19th time. “Wait till the attractions come.”

Jimmy added solemnly, “The real traffic is coming when Chick-fil-A opens.”

Minho begged the Mayor to listen. “Could you please hear our voice?”

And Marion, in her infinite East Brunswick wisdom, pleaded, “Try not to place blame. Be proactive. Figure out shortcuts. If you get somewhere early, read. Or play solitaire.”

Yes, Marion. Let us all play solitaire… on the shoulder of Route 18… in honor of the beaver we lost.


Eyes on EB will continue to monitor this suburban saga.

But in the meantime, don’t block the intersection. And definitely don’t believe in the monorail.